Well.

Now that I've gotten over the initial frustration of my thesis, I've realized that I feel like a failure now. I feel like I like this stupid paper get the best of me and now I know that I will never complete it. However, for it to be better for everyone I would be able to complete the capstone and make the best of it all. However, now I'm super excited for the spring, to complete the capstone, and hopefully move forward with all experiences in my education.

So now to press on, hope that I start to enjoy my life and job better now that I become more focused on what's important. Raising Audrey and being a family.

Welp.

So after a long week of teaching and everything, I'm just at my witts end. I cannot decide if I want to spend the next 22 years of my life doing paperwork, dealing with parents, dealing with co-workers in which I don't fit in, and dealing with all the extra stuff. I went to school to be a teacher, not to do everything else. I completely have forgotten why I wanted to do this to begin with because I have so much else to do.

Not one person in my department extends help to me in any way, I have to ask for it and even then it doesn't happen. They all think I'm just this terrible person and teacher because I don't see things there way and I'm just done. I think that this may be my last year in the classroom for a while. It's just not fair to keep putting myself through all this.

At least its Saturday and they always go by way to fast, I want to spend the days laying around with the baby but I have so much else to do---which do I choose. It's not even like I can get all the extra work done in my classroom because she'd have to go with me, I can barely clean the house, do the laundry or get anything done because I feel like I'm ignoring her.

I'm trying to work on my thesis and well gee, the only time I can get this done is now at 11 at night, which is completely sucky. I'm loosing so much sleep over everything that its making me sick. I can't handle it all anymore, wishing I could go back to three years ago and not moved here and just went on welfare like everyone else.

My weakness is....

Well here we are. The end of September 2011, a lot has happened this year. I've become a mom, I'm trying to write my Master's Thesis, I'm trying to be a wife, a house cleaner, and a teacher all at the same time. My goodness, I'm starting to feel like I'm running in place and not getting anywhere.

I've had so much on my mind in the last few weeks, which has taken such a toll on my body.

I've got a student, such a wonderful person, and I've come to the conclusion that there is nothing I can do for her. Which I just don't know what to do, she's got so much baggage and she's got such a learning disability that I just can't help her through any of it. IT SUCKS. I'm so used to being able to help with anything I can that not being able to help her is killing me.

I'm trying to work on my thesis, which is the culminating factor in everything I've worked on for the last 25 years....and I just don't understand what I'm doing. Every time I feel like i have a grasp on how to write it I can't get it out----and it is due by Thanksgiving.

I feel like I'm not spending enough time with Audrey at all, when I do get home I just wanna get stuff done but I want to be with her too. I've also figured out that I haven't spent one hour alone by myself without anyone since she was born and I kind of would like that but it probably isn't going to happen.

I just feel like I'm running no where, and fast. What to do. What to do.

I've also been following MASON DEAN in the PRAYERS FOR MASON blog and it really its getting to me as well, I really hope that the little fighter he is pulls through.

Travels

Well, I had a wonderful relaxing weekend. Got to spend time with the family, which is always special but hard to go. I wish that I had one of those jobs that I could just pick up and move---it doesn't work that way. On the ride up, I was able to spend a lot of time thinking and sorting things out, which was so helpful for me.

I was also able to narrow down my thesis---thanks to the help of my wonderful cousin and best friend. I will be doing a literature review on experiential learning theory, John Dewey and David Kolb and how NCLB runs the other way. Which ought to be interesting, I hope. It just makes me nervous to be writing something like this, I never thought of myself as a writer but I guess I have to be.

While traveling I was jamming out to my Ipod and found a few songs that really, really describe things right now. One that really sticks out to me is Papa Roach's song, Scars. The lines in that song that describe me so well is "my weakness is that I care to much, my scars remind us that the past is real...." I think I really do care to much, about everything. I put so much effort into everyone else I barely make time for me, which is hard. I spend so many hours a day thinking about my students, and how to make life better for them that I don't make like better for me--I run myself ragged. I just hope that one day, all this work pays itself off.

Well it's time for another work week, watching 9/11 tributes makes me think about how much the world has changed. Just far to much to think about. Hope everyone has a wonderful week!!!!

To Begin.

Well where to start. I'm writing this blog to not only talk about my career, but what I learn everyday from everyone around me. Each day I find that I come home and reflect. I'm hoping to reflect on how a yougn teacher feels and ways for others to cope. Well, that's all for tonight. More to come.